That one time I was literally too awkward to function...

If you weren't already aware, I suffer from a horrible disease. In fact, it's terminal. It's called awkward. I am a person living with constant awkward-ness. There really ought to be commercials to increase awareness of this illness, I bet Sarah McLachlan could sing for it and everything...                                                                Awkward has made me do a lot of things in my life, things I try to forget about. There was the time when I tripped, not once, but TWICE in front of the most attractive senior's truck. My freshmen heart shattered as he laughed so hard he choked on his gum. There was also the time where I hacked my hair off to short-as-a-man territory and thought it was a good idea, newsflash, it wasn't. That year is still considered a very dark time in my life, pictures from that era have been disposed of. Or there was the time when the Jehovah's Witnesses tried to talk to me and I didn't know what to say to get rid of them and I'm pretty sure I was well on my why to joining their church.
Yes my life has been a never ending string of awkward moments. None so awkward as my last trip to the grocery store. I hesitate even to share this story, as it was a borderline painful experience, and I may spend years in intense therapy trying to recover from this blunder.
It's no secret I love my cat. Lucifer and I spend serious quality time together. Partially because we like each other, but also because not currently being in school seriously slows your social life down. In fact as we speak she's sitting on my lap. She enjoys the warmth of a good laptop. I'm a cat lady and it's totally ok.
 With that preface, let me begin my story. This last week I went to the grocery story. I was pretty frazzled because it was slushy in the parking lot and there was suddenly Christmas decorations obstructing all of the aisles and PEOPLE EVERYWHERE. You woulda thought it was black Friday in that place or something. I have a big problem with situations where I find myself wedged between a plastic Santa and a geriatric in leopard leggings. So to say I wasn't on my A game would be an understatement.  I wandered in frantic desperation looking for tortillas. Which of course couldn't be on the aisle with Mexican food, the bread aisle or any other aisle that you would picture tortillas on. Nay, they were by the ice cream.Which makes no sense to me...but whatevs.
Out of no where a man tapped me on the shoulder. He was late twenties, early thirties, with a stunning sweater vest that Dr. Huxtable himself would've been jealous of. He smiled and did what I assume was supposed to be a sexy eyebrow wiggle....or maybe it was just a twitch. It was hard to discern which. He said,
 "Haven't we talked before?" 
 I froze. Did I know this man? Was I supposed to recognize him? If I don't know him what am I supposed to say? I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable when he realizes we don't know each other? All these questions buzzing through my mind caused a rather long and painfully awkward pause. So naturally I blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
"No, I only talk to my cat."
That's the best my brain could come up with. I only talk to my cat. Even the most dedicated and antisocial of cat ladies weep at my bumbling answer. His eyes got wide for a minute and he chuckled and said "Too bad, you're cute anyway."