Thankful Thursday

I liked writing my last Thankful Thursday post, so why not do it again? There is, in my opinion, never a wrong time to acknowledge all the good that life has to offer. Because life is good, every day ought to be a celebration that we get to be alive and experience all life has to offer.

So, without further rambling, here is what is making me thankful lately.

• I am thankful for kind and positive people. The other day I was walking to the car with a few bags of groceries by myself, when a boy probably no more than 12 offered to help me carry my bags. I was so impressed with what a kind and thoughtful gesture it was.  Being positive and kind is something I am trying very hard to cultivate in my life, being positive makes the good times better and the bad times much easier to handle. All our interactions with other people ought to be centered around being thoughtful and positive, it is completely possible to express ourselves without disrespecting, hurting, or demeaning others. 
• I am thankful for rain. (I'm sorry dad, I know it's ruining your hay) Rainy and cloudy days are one of my most favorite things. It really almost makes it better to have rainy days during the summer, because it saves you from living in the heat. 
• I am thankful for the opportunity to try new things! As I have stated many times, I am not a crafty person. My mother made me go to this after school program thing during elementary where you played games and made little crafty projects. All the children would go home with lovely bead necklaces, or painted projects or festive wreaths...and pretty much no matter what I made turned into a mess. I'm not crafty. I dream of being crafty. Actually, I fantasize about being a sweet little old lady like my Grandma Barton and having a beautiful backyard and cooking good food and making lots of crafts and quilts. So, working towards my sweet little old lady goals, I've taken up cross stitching! It makes me feel quite classy, also like I should exclusively wear cardigans and orthopedic shoes. It's a win all around if ya know what I mean. 
• I am thankful for guacamole. Because I think it is highly delicious. Smashed avocados speak to me on a deep and soulful level. 
• I am thankful for the movie You've Got Mail. Because it is my most favorite movie probably ever. It cheers me up extensively every time I indulge and watch it. I feel quite sincerely that I am Kathleen Kelly. And if I am not Kathleen Kelly, then I am Joe Fox. And if I am not Joe Fox, I would probably settle for being Frank. Because I am very good at rambling in a pseudo-intellectual way about being a lone reed. 
• Lastly, I am thankful for this post ( please please please click on the link) I found on LDS Living that shows some of the Apostles on their wedding day. It's potentially the most adorable thing of all time. 

Basically what I'm getting at once again, is there's a lot of under-appreciated good in life. 

Late, but who cares?

So, I had a birthday. I turned 20. Naturally, we celebrated with all the grandeur, elegance, and opulence that one expects of such a fine lady such as myself. That of Mountain Dew, cheesecake, and horrible food that inevitably gives me tummy problems. (too far? oh well)

Turning 20 is exciting and yet wretchedly anticlimactic at the same time. Exciting because there isn't a 'teen' associated with your age. And when all the street youths are running around acting like hooligans you can exercise every bit of your 20 years to roll your eyes and act like you are so so above such youthful shenanigans. Wretchedly anticlimactic, because 20 is still VERY very young. I mean, you still have 2 years before you get to ironically/unironically use that awful Taylor Swift song regarding your age. So, I mean there's plenty to look forward to with age.

We celebrated with my first birthday wish of being 20. There are a lot of cool cats in Europe, arguably
Elder Cardon is the coolest of the cool cats. On a side note, if you really squint you can
pretty much read the whole email. It's pretty silly so I don't recommend that.

We celebrated my love for cats. With my pre birthday present to myself.
Because I'm a greedy person like that. hashtag selfies4ever

We celebrated my humble roots. Back in the day I was a foxy Indian maiden.

We celebrated these two good ol boys who partied with me all day. They
sluffed school to partay with me. It was a real sacrifice on their part.
They didn't even laugh at me when I got hit on in the gas station and handled it terribly.
Actually...they did. 

Actually this has nothing to do with my birthday. I just really love the internet.

20 for 20

In honor of it being May, and my birthday month, I thought we'd celebrate with 20 things about me in honor of me living on this planet for 20 years.

1. As a kid I thought 16 was the pinnacle of a human beings existence. Because prom, duh. What more could you possibly get out of life? So, pretty much anything beyond 16 was downhill. Thankfully (like can I get a hallelujuh up in here?) that is not the case. 
2. Because my mom got married at 19, I really thought I would too, because obviously you always follow exactly in your parents footsteps. ;) If that's actually a thing though...I'm very behind schedule. 
3. I've spent 19 and a half years thinking that gogurt was special yogurt, or at least different than yogurt in some way. It's not guys. It's seriously just yogurt in a tube. 
4. I think dark nail polish is beautiful and classy...until it chips. After that, it looks like a middle school-er going through their 'emo' phase. 
5. Thought Catalog is a huge guilty pleasure for me. Reading pointless humor or advice articles is like  cocaine to me.
6. I love that getting older has allowed me to have more of a friend relationship with my parents. That Mike and Connie, they're real cool cats. (Parents..sorry I called you Mike and Connie on the internet. I'm not sure if we're close enough for that yet)
7. Texting has ruined my ability to type on keyboards. What do you mean you can't double-space to put a period?
8. I have a nearly constant monologue going on in my head. I'm convinced it's a blessing that only I can hear my thoughts. 
9. If I find a song I like, I will play it repeatedly, until I hate it. (I have ruined Love is Blindness by Jack White this week, and I am not sorry.)
10. I refuse to be ashamed that pink is my favorite color. 
11. Cat jokes, mullets, beards, any meme with Leonardo DiCaprio, and The Mindy Project are pretty solid reasons for happiness in my existence. 
12. I kept my hair short for years, because of one girl who told me 'my face was like totally too round for long hair'. (jokes on you random girl. Jokes. On. You)
13. I refer to almost everyone as my best friend. It seems mean to categorize people into friends and best friends. I throw around the friend word the way Oprah gives out cars to her audience, everybody gets a car. 
14. I'm highly opinionated, but I hate arguing or debating with people. 
15. Regularly, I get embarrassed for other people when they do something embarrassing. I still can't watch Anne of Green Gables without feeling highly mortified the entire time. That girl seriously is too much for me to handle
16. The best book I have ever read in my life is Life of Pi. It's the most different and unique book I've ever encountered, and not at all predictable.
17. I think love triangles in books, tv shows, or movies are highly annoying.
18. I'm relatively stubborn. Generally speaking, once my mind is made up, it's pointless to try to sway me one way or the other. 
19. I live with clinical depression and struggle with anxiety, usually in the form of obsessive and compulsive behavior. It's difficult,and it's been a major game changer for me. It's caused me to put everything in perspective and decide what's important and what's not. I hate that it makes me have to work harder than others to function on a 'normal' level, but I love that it forces me to constantly actively look for good and positive things around me. 
20. I'm a religious person. I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I don't talk about that aspect of my life nearly enough. I love the gospel completely. It has changed me and shaped me into a better person. I completely respect, that other may not feel the same way as I do, and whole-heartedly believe that whatever believe system a person chooses, is a good thing so long as it makes them fulfilled and happy. 

This is me, being honest.

There's been an elephant in the room for quite a while, like, since halfway through my first semester of college. Give or take 14 months. I love the outlet that my blog provides, and this proverbial elephant has seriously stifled my ability to feel like I could write anything without feeling a little dishonest.

Since about 15, I've been the girl with the plan. If you asked me what I wanted to do with my life, I could rattle off the next 5-10 years of plans I had already made. My plan seemed effective. Simple. Fool proof.

It turns out, my plan was wrong.

de·pres·sion

  [dih-presh-uhn] 

noun

1.

the act of depressing.

2.

the state of being depressed.

3.

a depressed or sunken place or part; an area lower than the surrounding surface.

4.

sadness; gloom; dejection.

5.

Psychiatry. a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and moreprolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.

This is me, being honest. I have clinical depression.

Typing that sentence, is the scariest thing I've done. There's a part of me that has wanted to say that sentence for a very long time. There's also a part of me, that wants to hurry and delete that sentence and pretend like I never even wrote it in the first place.

I've been horribly worried that if I admitted the truth, that people would think I was crazy. On the other hand, from the outside looking in, a seemingly normal girl that doesn't work or go to school seems pretty crazy too. So, one way or another, you could say I'm crazy. And, I'm at a point that I'm ok with it.

I have clinical depression. I have never experienced anything so draining, so painful, so life suckingly hopeless. It's like living under water, but you're the only one who knows your drowning. Dorothy Gale phrased it this way,  "Depression is a prison where you are both the suffering prisoner and the cruel jailer"

But, I've gotta say, I've learned a lot from this. I decided that I wanted to be a psychologist when I was 15. Going to college and then doing counseling and therapy for others was what I wanted to do. I can't help but laugh at the irony that someone who wants to counsel others, has gone to counseling herself. But this experience has opened my eyes and given me a lot of empathy for people in similar and more serious circumstances. Depression, and other mental illnesses are real. It's not something that you can wake up and just decide to change. It's not something that people pretend to have to get special attention. It is something that people have to live with and sometimes genuinely struggle with, a lot of times without anyone knowing. It's also brought to my attention how casually and flippantly we can use these terms. All of us, myself included, need to be more sensitive in using these words.

Do you have any idea how expansive the English language is? It would be easy to simply expand our vocabularies and find new words to use instead of real illnesses. 

I've learned with this, that I'm not alone. I believe in two outstanding individuals who have been a great source of inspiration and comfort. 

I believe in my sweet Grandpa Wallace. I believe that great big man is even more full of love and comfort watching over me in heaven then ever before. Which is really saying something, because he was pretty amazing when he was here. I have felt his strong and loving presence in moments when I desperately needed it. I have thought often about his optimism and near constant positive attitude as something to strive for and emulate.

I believe in my Savoir, Jesus Christ. The gospel has almost always had an influence in my life. But depression has allowed me an opportunity to learn to more fully appreciate the atonement and grow closer to Christ. I believe more than ever in the truly inspired words of the scriptures, and of living apostles and prophets. 

"I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels around you to bear you up" -D&C 84:88

"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine affliction shall be but a small moment;and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes" -D&C 121:7-8

"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you" -John 14:18

"The enabling power of the Atonement of Christ strengthens us to do things we could never do on our own"- Elder Bednar 'The Atonemtent and the Journey of Mortality' April 2012 

You cannot believe my shock during October conference when the very personal issue I have been living with was directly addressed in Elder Holland's talk, Like a Broken Vessel

How could I not believe in a loving Heavenly Father who cares for the individual needs of all his children? To deny that it was an inspired talk would be impossible for me. I believe in a less than ideal circumstance, Christ has the power to turn it into a learning opportunity. I cannot do this alone. I know that if I am doing anything well, it's under the strength of a perfect Savior walking beside me through this challenge.

One of my greatest fears has been that depression would change me into an entirely different person. That I would become unrecognizable to people who once knew me. In a lot of ways, I have changed. But the lovely thing underneath it all is, I'm still Erin. I still think everything is lovely in pink. I still think cat lady/single lady jokes are hands down the most hilarious thing on earth (even if no one else does). Having depression isn't a defining quality for me. In no way, can I claim I have everything under control and know how to cope and function properly and normally right now. Right now I'm still learning and progressing. I hold fast to the idea that while good times don't last forever, neither do bad times. I truly do believe in the idea of serendipity. Everything that happens to us, whether planned or unexpected happens for our own good. Depression is serendipitous, it has lead me and continues to lead me to lessons and things I would've missed without it. It's a happy unexpected accident, even if it doesn't feel like it always.

An ending....but also a new begining

Today, December 5th we celebrate the death of a close friend. I'm actually not even talking about Nelson Mandela, although yes I was deeply saddened by his passing as well.
Nay, I refer to the death of Barbie. My former laptop. Oh the sweet sweet times we spent together. Writing papers, listening to music, perusing Netflix, and possibly indulging in some slight Facebook stalking. Oh Barbie, words cannot describe my love for all of your weird quirks. Like how sometimes randomly you close documents I was working on, you were right, I didn't actually wanna finish that English paper. I loved the way people stared at me and wondered if perhaps I was psychotic to have a neon pink laptop. And in your last days Barbie, I really loved how you decided to kill the enter key, it didn't complicate my life at all, only added adventure in trying to work around it.
But, one fateful day, Barbie was viciously attacked by a virus or something. (I'm not a computer genius guys, I dunno this tech-y lingo) And before my eyes, I watched as Barbie deleted everything and shut down. So much was lost that day. Pictures (true), music (true), dreams (semi true), hope (partial lie) and that great American novel I was writing (blatant lie).
Barbie's hard drive breathed it's last breath of life, and died.
*Respectful moment of silence*

So today I graduated into the grown up world of laptops. Ya know, the kind that work all of the time, and aren't obnoxiously pink, and actually have disk drives, and look like they do important work. It's bittersweet. Well not really. Although, now I feel like I should probably act more like an adult and only blog about adult things. Like 401k's, and insurance, and house payments, and how the youth of today are ungrateful little poops. But let's get real, I don't know about any of that stuff.

That one time I was literally too awkward to function...

If you weren't already aware, I suffer from a horrible disease. In fact, it's terminal. It's called awkward. I am a person living with constant awkward-ness. There really ought to be commercials to increase awareness of this illness, I bet Sarah McLachlan could sing for it and everything...                                                                Awkward has made me do a lot of things in my life, things I try to forget about. There was the time when I tripped, not once, but TWICE in front of the most attractive senior's truck. My freshmen heart shattered as he laughed so hard he choked on his gum. There was also the time where I hacked my hair off to short-as-a-man territory and thought it was a good idea, newsflash, it wasn't. That year is still considered a very dark time in my life, pictures from that era have been disposed of. Or there was the time when the Jehovah's Witnesses tried to talk to me and I didn't know what to say to get rid of them and I'm pretty sure I was well on my why to joining their church.
Yes my life has been a never ending string of awkward moments. None so awkward as my last trip to the grocery store. I hesitate even to share this story, as it was a borderline painful experience, and I may spend years in intense therapy trying to recover from this blunder.
It's no secret I love my cat. Lucifer and I spend serious quality time together. Partially because we like each other, but also because not currently being in school seriously slows your social life down. In fact as we speak she's sitting on my lap. She enjoys the warmth of a good laptop. I'm a cat lady and it's totally ok.
 With that preface, let me begin my story. This last week I went to the grocery story. I was pretty frazzled because it was slushy in the parking lot and there was suddenly Christmas decorations obstructing all of the aisles and PEOPLE EVERYWHERE. You woulda thought it was black Friday in that place or something. I have a big problem with situations where I find myself wedged between a plastic Santa and a geriatric in leopard leggings. So to say I wasn't on my A game would be an understatement.  I wandered in frantic desperation looking for tortillas. Which of course couldn't be on the aisle with Mexican food, the bread aisle or any other aisle that you would picture tortillas on. Nay, they were by the ice cream.Which makes no sense to me...but whatevs.
Out of no where a man tapped me on the shoulder. He was late twenties, early thirties, with a stunning sweater vest that Dr. Huxtable himself would've been jealous of. He smiled and did what I assume was supposed to be a sexy eyebrow wiggle....or maybe it was just a twitch. It was hard to discern which. He said,
 "Haven't we talked before?" 
 I froze. Did I know this man? Was I supposed to recognize him? If I don't know him what am I supposed to say? I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable when he realizes we don't know each other? All these questions buzzing through my mind caused a rather long and painfully awkward pause. So naturally I blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
"No, I only talk to my cat."
That's the best my brain could come up with. I only talk to my cat. Even the most dedicated and antisocial of cat ladies weep at my bumbling answer. His eyes got wide for a minute and he chuckled and said "Too bad, you're cute anyway."                                                                                                            

   

                         

Dirty little secret

Guys. I'm on fire with this blogging stuff. Who's impressed? Anyone?

This girl is on fire. Too old of a reference? Sorry.


I mean, sure, this streak of blogging will die off, and we will go back to months between posts, but let's enjoy this while it lasts.
I'm going to confess a dirty secret of mine. Not all of my dirty secrets mind you, that would take all day, and I just do not have time for that.

To begin, I consider myself a mostly educated person. I can read. I can write. Most of the time I understand all of the jokes in the newspapers' comic strips. Occasionally I listen to NPR.
All of these facts, I use as a blanket of excuses to cover up my one dirty media secret.
I have a soft spot for crappy reality television.
I have literally seen every cycle of America's Next Top model. Heck, I even know to call them cycle's instead of seasons. Something about watching a bunch of type A personalities do photoshoots and try to scratch each other's eyes out is fascinating. I know nothing about the fashion industry, and I miss the height requirement for modeling by at least 8 inches. Yet there I sit, nodding my head agreeing with Tyra that a certain model was not "smizing" in her picture. Preach girl.

I feel so much better admitting that.

Now onto things of substance. Missionary pals :)

Elder Bishop/Bill reached his one year mark last week! I am so incredibly proud of that boy. He is doing such good work in Korea, and before I even know it he will be home!

Also he sent me this picture of Beauty and the Beast gum he purchased in Korea. I don't want to sound needy, and ungrateful, but why isn't this a bigger thing in America? We need this. I cannot be expected to chew mere regular gum. Happiness isn't good enough, I demand euphoria. Also Disney gum.

Regrettably, I do not have any pictures from Elder Passey, however he's doing awesome as always. I am, however, a little worried he will never come home. He is so incredibly in love with Russia, and the Russian people and culture! He is already planning to continue studying and speaking Russian when he comes home. What a great kid.

And last, but not least Elder Cardon. Recently Elder Cardon has been transferred from Brussels, Belgium to Nantes, France. I know he did wonderful work in Brussels, and loved it there, but I know for sure, he will do wonderfully in Nantes. And hopefully, I will do some research, and learn precisely where Nantes is. Yay for ignorance. I don't have much else to update you on with Elder Cardon. He sent me a few pictures.

I pretty much assume this means he's doing ok. Either that or there are some freaky Nacho Libre-esque things going down in France. 

Anyway. I think that's about it.

Thanks Ryan Gosling. You beautiful human you. 

I guess I won an award?

I don't know how applicable of a story this is, but here goes anyway. When I was a but a wee babe in my late elementary years, arguably the most awkward years of my existence I might add, there was a curse amongst us pre-teens called chain letters. They were actually emails but semantics. Anyway, as I remember (I sound so old saying that) basically you read through some overly dramatic story, about true love, or dead dogs, or ghost children haunting Wingers, ok maybe that last one is a fib,but the point is that at the end of whatever dramatic story was in the email was a promise. Nay, a threat. If you didn't forward to email to a certain amount of people all sorts of things would happen to you. Like, you would never get a boyfriend, or your parents would die, or evil spirits would haunt you in the night, or basically you would just fail at life and become a hobo. Naturally the most scary threat of all, was not getting a boyfriend. Oh the horror!

Even as a whipper snapper, I was far too grouchy and old for such nonsense. And I never forwarded a chain letter. Which I guess would explain why I'm single? (more research required for this statement) But basically the point I'm trying to make is I'm really terrible at participating at anything which requires forwarding or anything like unto it.

That being said, apparently I won an "award". And if it came from any other source I would ignore it completely. But it came from my elder sister Shannon, and therefore I really can't say no. The woman is carrying my niece/nephew, I gotta stay in good graces to guarantee favorite aunt status.

So thank you Mrs. Coffin ;)

thank your liebster blog award nominator on your blog  

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 answer the 11 questions from the nominator, list 11 random facts about yourself,

and create 11 questions for your nominees. 

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Eleven random facts you were dying to know about me

• I hate pictures of myself. Unless I am specifically prepared for pictures, I will look pretty sketchy. Seeing pictures of myself tends to kind of ruin my day.
• I'm an intensely private person. Which is totally ironic considering I have a blog. Not exactly the best place to keep your life private ya know? It's not that I'm not friendly,I'm just not into sharing super intimate details with people.
• I can't tell the difference between Adam Ellis and Adam Levine. 
  

• I never park close to anything. I'd rather park waaaay in the back of a parking lot than the front. I could lie and say it's because it forces me to exercise by walking farther. But the truth is I just get annoyed with other people's bad parking jobs. 
• I have dyed my hair every natural color. And I don't regret it at all.
• I'm extremely independent which means moving back in with my parents this year has been one of the hardest things ever.
• Greek yogurt is better than regular yogurt simply because regular yogurt has the consistency of fruit flavored snot. 
• I love to cook, but I cannot craft to save my life. My future house will be pretty basic, but will have delicious food. It's a trade off I guess.
• Taco Bell and Drake Bell are in fact not related. Which personally I find shocking
• I love to joke around about how single I am and how I'm going to die alone. But I actually really love being single and don't really care about dating
• I once painted a boys nails, and it was a glorious moment unmatched by anything, including cake. 

If you could forget the budget and buy any one thing right this very instant, what would it be? Umm I would buy this thing. Honestly, I don't know what I would do with it. But I want it.

What's your favorite kind of weather, and why?

I'm a real big fan of overcast and rainy weather. Even just overcast is great. I'm that super depressing person that prefers dark and stormy to sunny weather.

It's a date night, what's your go-to outfit?

I don't actually plan outfits. Which probably explains why I look like a hobo so often. I like to look nice for dates, but I'm not the type of girl that plans in advance perfect date outfits.

As a kid, what was your favorite movie?

Oh obviously, Peter Pan. Hands down

If you had to pick only one occupation for the rest of your life, what would you want to do?

Well I'm a psychology major, so I'm looking to be a therapist.

What's your favorite movie now?

I really love Life of Pi and The Great Gatsby....but yeah probably still Peter Pan.

When is the last time you had to face something hard, and felt accomplished for facing it?

Well one time I didn't have wifi, so yeah I think I know what hardships are. 

(Stealing from Karlee) What's your favorite memory of us together?

One time when I was very small you painted my nails, and then told me if I washed my hands the nail polish would be ruined. Then proceeded to tell me to not tell mom that we didn't wash our hands to eat dinner. I totally tattled to Mom. 

Where do you see yourself in 20 years?

In 20 years I will be 39 and still young, and honestly I have no idea where I'll be at :)

What's the strangest habit you have?

I can't just buy clothes off the shelf.I have to think about my purchases for a long time before I can convince myself to buy them.

Sometimes I think about Goldfish

I apologize. Because I really hate titles. But it's true in case you wondered, I do in fact think about goldfish. I think about goldfish quite often actually. Both the deliciously unhealthy snack cracker and the living creature.
I someday would like to own a goldfish of my own.

I remember as I child dying to have a fish, or a turtle, or a frog. But alas, I think my mother shot me down every time I asked for one. Which probably had something to do with the fact that I would've killed a fish/frog/turtle really fast. I'm a known killer. Of small animals.Occasionally large animals. And plants.
I would like to, however, point out that I am an absolute pro at pet rocks. They call me the rock whisperer. It's fine.

Anyway. Goldfish rant aside, life is going swimmingly (see what I did there? I know. So punny)

In good news, I have decided to spare the mail man's life, and call a truce on our unspoken war. In other words, I finally got the letter from Elder Cardon I have been waiting for. Turns out the mail man wasn't trying to ruin my life or test my patience at all, just that Elder Cardon wrote my address down wrong. I feel, in this situation, it would probably be appropriate for me to bake our mail man cookies, and perhaps write him a touching card, in which I will apologize for the malicious plots I had formed against him.

I love mail. I love mail more than Steve from Blues Clues loved mail. Albeit, I do not have a catchy song for when the mail comes, suffice it to say, I love mail. I'm pretty sure that's a consequence of our highly electronic society, because I could care less about how many emails I get. But snail mail? Even if it's a credit card company offering me who knows what, or bills, or wedding announcements, or even hate mail, I am filled with so much joy. Bless you whoever sends me mail, and may all your dreams come true.

There's a lot of things that are great about missionary mail. I mean they have wonderful gospel insight, hilarious stories, and good advice. But, probably what I love most about having missionaries, is the absolutely classic artwork.

We call this piece, "Close, but no Cigar", because, I have no idea what this picture is about. It is awe inspiring though...if you like demon cats and me as a missionary with a large scribble in the middle.
We appreciate the effort that went into this glorified doodle. Truly, we do. ( Let it be noted how much more intelligent one sounds when they use the term 'we')

In other news, I'm going to be an aunt. Which, obviously is going to be one of the greatest things to happen to me, that will probably only be topped when I finally get to hold a baby monkey. (It's a legitimate goal guys. And it's going to happen) Not that I've ever been an aunt before, but I can already tell you it's a wonderful job. Essentially, you get to spoil the crap out of a small human being, feed it sugary treats when you're not supposed to, and as soon as it sneezes/barfs/farts/cries you hand it back to it's rightful owners...I mean parents. All the joys of a baby, minus basically all of the responsibility. BRILLIANT.

On the homefront of anyone wondering what's going on in my daily life, allow me to update you. I am taking the semester off. Which is either the greatest, or stupidest decision of my life, results of this decision to be evaluated at a later date. I was answering phones part time at Heaton Financial, very proficiently I might add. However, his intern has come back from summer break and has resumed their rightful place in the office. So, basically what I'm getting at, is I'm unemployed again.
Ummm, I'm very poor, having a reasonable amount of money in my savings account would be an absolute honor, I'm a writer, I'm writing a unicorn zombie thriller novel (No I'm not. That's a lie), I'm still terrible at whistling, I'm a slow runner, and I'm obsessed with sleeping.
That's the truth of my life right now, and I'm not sorry about it. I'm 19 years old. I'm fairly certain, it's 100% ok not to have your life completely figured out by now. At least, that's what I tell myself. If you feel otherwise, please don't burst my bubble. Ignorance is bliss.
To sum up, here is an accurate depiction of how on top of this whole 'adult life' stuff I am.

This actually might be a serious post

I know it's been quite a while since I last blogged. But I assume that y'all are used to these post getting more and more spread out. It just makes it even more fantastic when I do post. At least that's what I tell myself as an excuse.
See, I feel an obligation to blog because I don't keep a journal. Why? Because if I had a journal I would constantly write crap. It would be a book on endless drama and whining and hateful complaining. I would be so wrapped up in writing that junk and never include any of the great things that happen in my life.
That's why I blog. Because I pretty much have to censor myself or be really embarrassed at people reading my whiny innermost thoughts. The result is, I have a mostly positive  account of my life. And I think that's a pretty good thing.


It's April folks. Actually to be more technical it's almost May. I don't know why, but April and May make me feel introspective and sort of makes me evaluate my life. To me, the end of the year isn't December, it's in May. School ends, and summer begins. And by the time August rolls around, things are wildly different than they were in May.

Within the next week, I'll have completed two semesters of college at Snow College in the village of Ephraim. Yes, I just called it a village. It's accurate.

The idea my freshman year is over, its one of the most surreal feelings ever. I took a moment today where I just sort of stopped and let myself process everything that happened this year. Cliche as it sounds, I don't even know where the time went.

The funny thing is if you had asked me in high school how I wanted my freshman year of college to go, I would've NEVER told you I wanted to be at Snow College in a house of 6 girls. Not even close.
In fact, absolutely nothing I wanted to happen with my college experience went the way I planned.

Actually if you want to be completely blunt, this has been the antithesis  of what I wanted for my first year of college. Realizing that, sorta bummed me out. To be frank it was kind of depressing. I started to question everything I have done this year, and wondered if perhaps I had made a mistake coming here to Snow.

I sat feeling basically like an utter failure for a while, and then a thought occurred to me.

 I'm not the same girl who started this year.

In fact, not even close. Every year I think we all marvel at how different we are. At least I do, but this year it really has been almost a metamorphosis. I've always believed in serendipity; happy accidents that   push us in different directions or grant us what we call a stroke of "luck".

I believe serendipity to be a real thing. I've enjoyed so many moments in life that I have credited solely on mere luck.

Serendipity definitely exists, but perhaps I've mislabeled it my whole life. Maybe its real name is 'Tender Mercies'. 

I'm not a very open person when it comes to religion, especially on my blog. I'm usually too busy being silly and obnoxious to discuss something so serious and important to me. 

This year has been hard. Even in a house surrounded by girls and friends and family all over, some of the loneliest moments of my life so far have happened this year. There have been hard moments and really difficult situations which I really wish could've been avoided. Being as stubborn and independent as I can be, the last person I thought to turn to was God. But, pretty soon I realized there really wasn't anything or anyone else who could help. I wish I could tell you that the moment I chose to include God into my life things magically got better. The story could just stop there and we'd all feel good about it.

But the truth is, things didn't get better. In a lot of ways things stayed the same and in other ways got worse.

The difference was I wasn't alone. It felt a thousand times better to feel like I wasn't alone, but I still wanted things to improve and immediately get better.

Isn't that horrible? The moment we turn to God we expect him to pull a magic trick and presto! present us with a wonderful happy life as soon as we ask. We're so focused on our time table and how we want things to run that we don't even consider what a blessing it is for God to even be in our lives at all let alone bless us. His timetable is the only one that matters. 

While no, magically everything hasn't suddenly got better, I have started to see more clearly His hand over my daily life.

When I have felt discouraged, something small will happen that day that will uplift me. When I am feeling lonely, people have randomly reached out, not knowing how badly I needed their simple words. One day in particular I didn't feel at all like doing anything at all, and when I woke up and looked outside it was perfectly sunny, after being wet and snowy all week. It was such ideal weather I felt so motivated to get out and accomplish everything I needed to.

I credited all those things to serendipity  Just random coincidences that happened to really help me when I needed it. But the truth finally came to me. I know God isn't going to instantly fix everything I want, but every day in small ways he blesses me with small moments of serendipity that push me to keep going.

This year has been nothing I planned. But it hasn't been a waste of time, and I haven't been failing life. I've changed and grown and been pushed more this year than I have been in my entire. life. 

And I really believe that things will get better eventually, with a lot of patience.

More than patience actually. Patience isn't just the ability to wait for things to get better. It's having a good attitude and being happy with what you have while waiting for things to get better.

I'm still not really sure where I'm going with life, but while I'm on the pursuit of happiness, I'm going to continue to pause and appreciate the moments of serendipity and just be happy.

Waddup Monday

I really don't love Mondays. I know, it's the most cliche sentiment expressed by probably every human being on the planet. BUT I dislike Mondays for an entirely different reason than all of y'all.

I have no classes on Monday. That probably sounds like a dream come true. It's essentially my second Saturday. All of my weekends are three day weekends. But you know what?

It's too much of a good thing.
The mystique and magic of three day weekends are utterly lost on me because I've become sadly desensitized to their wonder. More than that, I become a completely hermit on Mondays because I really have nothing better to do than be in my room and do homework and occasionally blog.
I have a fear that I am inevitably going to become the Boo Radley of Ephraim.

I do some math, then color in my princess coloring book, then do some math, then get on pinterest, then do some math, then study preach my gospel (we'll address this later) then do some math, then dance around like a crazy lady, then do some math, then give dating advice, then do some math.
And if I'm feeling particularly adventurous I'll go grocery shopping.
I know what you're thinking. You're jealous. You wish you had my life. I know.

Before anyone starts jumping up and down like crazy in their seats thinking I'm secretly going on a mission because I just said I study Preach my Gospel, I'm going to have to ask you to calm down.
At this point in my existence, I have not made the decision to serve a mission or not. While,yes, the age requirement change has presented a wonderful opportunity for me to serve much sooner, it is still a very personal decision that I have not made yet. I'm not saying I'm not going, I'm just saying I'm not going right now. Ok? Everybody cool with that? Good.
The real reason I'm studying Preach My Gospel, is simply the fact that basically everyone I know is either preparing or serving a mission.  That's actually not an exaggeration at all.

 I am so clever sometimes it hurts. But really. That's prety accurate. And since all my friends are on missions and I'm writing or emailing them I figure its a good idea for me to know what they're learning and studying so I'm not completely left in the dust.

I also catch up on everyone's blogs on Monday. Which has basically led me to one conclusion.
I am never going to be an inspirational blogger. There is probably never going to be a day when you read a post that I have written, cry and vow to change your life. That would be fantastic, and I wish I had that power, alas I do not. However, if I have ever made you laugh or at the very least smile at something I wrote, I am completely satisfied.




So to everyone out there, Happy Monday.

I like food

I don't know a lot of things in life. Sometimes I'm confused which hand is my right hand and which hand is my left hand. (in my defense, they look really similar)

I don't know if I'm team Bieber or team One Direction, because they're both so catchy and lovable.
Sometimes I don't know why I'm not a mermaid.

No, I don't know a lot of things in life. But I do know one thing, I know I like food. I think it has something to do with the fact that without it I would literally die. There's something rather endearing about the necessities.

I also know that I am not the most accomplished cook. And for some reason, I feel rather self conscious about blogging about food. There seems to be a few cookie cutter stereotypes for bloggers who talk about food.

• The mother blogger. She whips up creme brulee and home made sushi, while looking picture perfect. The food looks perfect, her kitchen looks perfect. And really, all you can wonder is, how come her children have such elevated palettes? Most children thrive on chicken nuggets, not pate, right?
• The lovable grandmother blogger. She cooks southern comfort food, and so many cookies that it's a wonder she hasn't died of diabetes complications. Never mind the fact that it's really her 7 year old grandson who uploads the pictures and writes the blog, you can't bother with technology when you are being the quintessential homemaking grandmother.
• The young hipster. She may and or may not be married. Lives in a fantastic large city, or an ironically cliche small town. She photographs her creations at artistic angles, and overall oozes charm and coolness.

Surprise guys, I'm not any of those people. Alas, I am but a poor college student who hates boxed mac and cheese and is afraid of dying of MSG poisoning from Ramen Noodles.
Thusly leading to cooking for real. \

So today, I felt like Korean Beef. Spoiler alert, it's not Korean. Pinterest isn't exactly culturally accurate.
Next spoiler alert, it IS beef. So it is partially accurate in the name.

This is the absolute cheapest least classy version of this recipe. Altered with the fact that there are church mice who have more money than me. So, class it up as you feel necessary.
Here's what you're gonna need
1 lb of ground beef (the leaner the better, otherwise it's a tad greasy)
1/2 cup brown sugar. (unless you think that much sugar will kill you, then 1/4 cup is good too)
1/4 cup soy sauce ( low sodium is better for your health!)
1/2 Tbsp oil
1 tsp minced garlic.
If you are feeling particularly rich, you should add minced ginger. If you're poor, then just hang your head in shame and question everything in your life.
Salt and pepper
Cayenne pepper* optional. But delicious. And totally worth it. But don't worry I won't pressure you into it

Whip out yourself a skillet of your choosing and plop that bad boy down on the burner, medium heat. Innocently tell anyone who may be in the kitchen with you, that you've never cooked before. This will put them on edge, and also make them have poison control on speed dial. Little will they know that you are a fetching PRO at cooking.
Brown the hamburger, garlic and oil. Stir and flip stuff around like you really know what you're doing. If anyone tells you its starting to smell good, go all Gollum on them and tell them to back away from your precious. There is a culinary genius at work here. Don't let them forget that.
If your ground beef has a high fat content then you either want to not put as much oil in, or just drain out some of the oil and fat out. After all, dying from clogged arteries during dinner kinda puts a damper on the culinary genius title.
Add the salt pepper, ginger and cayenne if you are cool, brown sugar, and soy sauce into the mix. Let everything simmer for a few minutes to let all the flavors blend. And presto! You are done.

Oh? But what are you doing to serve it with? First of all white rice. There is only one key to making rice if you don't have a rice cooker. Prayer. There are just too many things that can go wrong with rice. So you just pray your little face off that it will work out. It doesn't even matter who you pray to. Just pray.
Personally, I think that steamed vegetables go excellently with this. But if you have personal reason for hating vegetables, to you I say, have a nice life without any happiness.

Finally serve yourself and anyone who is brave enough to eat with you. Accept any compliments that are thrown your way, and insist that you just threw it together from a dream you had.
With any luck they will fall into a food coma. And everyone will be happy.

And that's it folks.

Welcome home

Hey y'all! I'm back in Ephraim baby!

Aren't long weekends fantastic? I think there is nothing better than a good long weekend. Weekends in and of themselves are wonderful, but then long weekends are like celestially beautiful.

You get to Sunday evening and you're feeling a little blue because you know that you'll have to go back to real life, but then EUREKA! You remember it's a long weekend and you don't have to go to school on Monday.

President's day in a lovely little surprise break I think. Hooray for presidents!

I think one of the best parts of going home and then coming back to my Ephraim home is the drive.

I absolutely love driving past the Manti Temple. Almost as soon as you're outside of Ephraim, you can see it, this beautiful white building up on the hill. The closer you get, the bigger and most magnificent it becomes. And then, by the time you drive past it, you can barely see it because it's so high up and big over you. 

I love driving through Gunnison and thinking about my sweet Grandparents serving their mission in the prison, and of course driving past the Malt Shop. (We did have pretty fantastic feasts there!)

Of course, driving through Salina makes me think about selling our cows. Burns Saddlery with my daddy, and Mom's Cafe will ALWAYS make me think about Grandpa.

I start to get so giddy when I get to Cedar.  Really, Southern Utah is such a beautiful area.

Talking with a friend today, who's going on his mission pretty soon, he's so excited to go, but he's really going to miss going up on the mountain. As we talked, I realized, pretty much everywhere I've been is beautiful in it's own way. 

Don't we live in a beautiful world?

I am so happy I chose to start my 'happiness project' this year for my 2013 goal. The more, I've opened myself up to happiness, the more I seem to find.

It's not the big huge stuff that makes me happy, it's the dumb little stuff that honestly fills me with joy.

Like, a text from someone you haven't heard from for a long time, or burning your favorite candle (Lime Cilantro, weird, but soooo yummy smelling) , or drinking sparkling pink grapefruit water because pink is your favorite.

I went to Wal-Mart today, because,

1. I like food, it is essential to life.

2. I live in Ephraim, and there is not many places to go.

I won't even lie to you, I started laughing more than was probably healthy. There were huge signs everywhere about all the Valentine's Day paraphernalia 75% off. Flowers, candy, cards, cheap jewlry, you name it.

I was pretty tempted to buy me some Transformers Valentines, you know, cause you just don't know when you might need one of those. Actually now that I think about it, I could just start passing out those bad boys out to everyone on campus. This feels like a really good idea.

But anyway, call me unromantic, but personally, I think if men were smart they'd buy their significant other's Valentine's gifts after Valentine's. Kills the romance completely, but it would save you lots of money. 

Just a thought.

Anywho. I'm going to take a  power nap. Which is actually when I lay in my blankets, hold a stuffed monkey, and squeeze my eyes tight and pretend like I'm going to fall asleep. 

Wintery Wonderland. Once again!

Oh happy day! Yet again, the lovely village of Ephraim, Utah has been covered in snow! They don't call it Snow College for nothing kids. There is plenty of snow to go around.

But I am not complaining about the snow, no sir, I am not. I feel like cold weather is only justifiable if there is snow. So now I have freezing cold weather AND snow. I always get what I wish for. Except for a baby monkey. No matter how much I wish, I do not have a baby monkey. It's a tragedy really.

Does anyone really actually enjoy the singles ward? Not the cheesy movie...the actual real deal thing. Because, I really kind of don't. Sometimes it feels like we've thrust a bunch of clueless young adults with  minimal adult support and leadership and ask them to run things smoothly, and find their eternal companion in the process. Oh wait, that IS what a singles ward is. There are really wonderful people in my ward, don't get me wrong, they are great. But there is a serious male deficiency in our ward with  sort of causes the ladies to turn into vicious piranhas. You walk into Relief Society in your boho skirt and ankle boots looking like a lazy hobo who found religion, and everyone else is dressed like they're attending the Oscars. That's one thing I will never understand about girls. With church bright and early at 9:30 how is it that they get up shower, blow dry, and curl their extremely long hair into perfect 1" ringlets. How does that happen? Am I the only woman on earth who values sleep? Because if I were to do that, it would require me waking up VERY VERY early. And guys, that just isn't going to happen. It just isn't. There is nothing to do to motivate me to even want to do that.
The next thing I don't particularly love is the activities. Everything is turned into a get to know you game. It's like our leaders don't think we're capable of socializing on our own. (which sadly most of us are not) For example this Monday they told us that they wanted to feed us a lovely dinner. That's it. Just a lovely dinner. I happen to be pretty much poor beyond all reason, so if you're offering to feed me, I'm going to take you up on that offer. So naturally I showed up. But ladies and gentlemen this was NOT just a lovely dinner. This was a lot less of a ward activity and a lot more of a warm humiliation. They sat us randomly at a long table. And then they tied our hands to the people sitting next to us.
So eating involved tugging some one's arm with you and bringing your hand AND their hand to your face.
It was really fun. I have never seen so many distressed and grouchy college students before. Although I'm not sure what the motivation to do this activity was.
I mean " Hey I'm sorry I just put half your hand in my mouth when I was trying to shove my roll in my face" isn't exactly the best way to start a conversation. Although I will tell you this. I have learned which boys are the polite boys in the ward are.
Oh goodness. Never again please.

Today I have had a most perplexing problem on my mind. I really like seafood. It's delicious. And I would eat it all the time if I had the choice. But also, if I were to be a mythical creature I would be a mermaid. Not like a rebellious redheaded mermaid who isn't content with her awesome mer-life. Like a legit mermaid. With the singing, and the swimming and the underwater shenanigans. BUT, if a mermaid  eats seafood does that make her a half cannibal? I mean she would be consuming her fishy relatives.
It's a complex issue right? I asked pretty much everyone I could think of. And the general consensus is that I probably am too old to be thinking about mermaids. Also that yes, it probably would be half cannibalism for a mermaid to eat seafood.
However not to fear, Shannon told me that "its a dilemma we've been fighting for years. There's a 5K tomorrow to support it and you may purchase t-shirts and other supportive paraphernalia."
You guys all thought that Matt and Shannon were a good productive couple already, and now you know that they are trying to solve the mermaid cannibalism problems of the world. Truly they are an inspiration to us all.
What do you think? Cannibalism? Or just delicious diet choice?

I hate thinking of titles. In case anyone wondered, I will stare at my screen for a good 5 minutes trying to think of a title. I hate titles. I get stressed out trying to title anything. Papers, blog posts, you name it. 

Today is Wednesday, even though it feels like its supposed to be Tuesday. MLK day always throws me off for the the rest of the week. The upside is that when it's Friday I'll be pleasantly surprised.

Wednesday's are kinda no bueno. Only because they are Biology days. I have Biology bright and early at 9 am. Which for everyone else on planet earth isn't early at all.

BUT in my defense, homework and other festivities at my humble abode last until midnight or later. So when you take that into consideration 9 am is a little bit early. 

It is the biggest battle of my life convincing myself to get out of bed and go to class. So I roll out of bed and throw whatever I feel like on and sleep walk to class. And then I sit in a semi dark auditorium with other sleep deprived zombies and try to learn about the Calvin cycle and electron transport, without falling asleep. And I do that until 11:30. Yes, you read that right. 9-11:30. It's my longest class ever. 2 and a half hours of just sitting kinda makes a girl crazy.

Lucky for me, it's only twice a week. So only twice a week I am a zombie for the first half of the day. I'm kinda grateful natural hair and ironically un-matched clothes is in style. A few years ago ( at least at Cedar High) everybody either straightened their hair perfectly, or curled it flawlessly. That's still cute and whatnot, but luckily letting your hair do its own natural wave is now acceptable, and considered attractive. If that's not serendipitous I don't know what is. 

The only thing is, I realized when I let my hair do whatever it wants, I look like Russell Brand.

Like literally. That's me. Minus the beard. Except for the minor detail that I'm not a man, nor British. But we both are incredibly weird, have gross hair, and are wildly hilarious.

So basically we're twins.

I don't know about you, but I'm kinda wanting the weather to change. Either I would like another snow storm, or I would like some sunshine. If it snows, then I will feel like the freezingness is justified, and sunshine is just a great thing all over the place. However the overcast freezingness is just sorta depressing.

Random question. Have you ever been talking to someone and a complete stranger laughs at the funny things you say? That happens to me a lot. Part of me feels validated that people who don't even know me think I'm funny. But on the other hand I kinda feel like I didn't invite them to laugh at my joke and they ought to keep their giggles to themselves. When I say something hilarious, which let's face it is all the time, I ask myself why I don't have a sitcom based on me yet. Actually that's not true. But it should be.

Today, in accordance with my happiness project of 2013 I complimented someone on their beautiful eyelashes. I think the best part of that compliment was it was to a man. And they were fake eyelashes. You know, the ones that you glue on your eyelid and you look like you have glamourous long eyelashes? Yup those are the kind he had glued on,but his also had sparkles. We may need to get to know each other a little better. In fact, we may need to become best friends.

Oh ya know.....

I should be in bed. I really really should. Its like almost midnight, and if I were a responsible adult, I'd be gettin in bed.

But I'm not a responsible adult. Like....at all. Oh I may put on the front of being mature when absolutely necessary, but let's get real here. I have two stuffed monkeys on my bed, and I color in my princess coloring book on a regular basis. And if you asked me to, I could perform most of the Disney movies for you, word for word.

I think I'm hoping I grow out of this stage, but at the same time, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a Peter   Pan child forever and never grow up.

I'm not sure if that means I'm immature, or if I'm just living life to the fullest.

For any who haven't heard the tragic news, my creepy math boyfriend broke up with me. I wish I had known we were together in the first place, because I like to know when I'm in relationships. It's helpful occasionally. But yeah...he told me that we needed to take a break. I'm sure you can imagine how heartbroken I was. I was pretty sure we were soul-mates.

Life continues to move forward, I continue to not do my hair. I keep telling myself it's because it's more healthy to let it run wild and free because I'm not damaging it with heat. But the truth is, I really just value my sleep waaaaaaaaay more than my appearance. Appearance, isn't really all that important in the long run right? I mean eventually you no longer look like an 18 year old. Because you're too busy being an adorable 88 year old.

I've been thinking a lot about my goal for 2013 about embracing happiness. The fundamental thing I realized is how different I am now from a this time last year. Isn't it funny how day to day and week to  week  nothing change, but looking back on the years everything is so different. I'm not trying to be preachy, but here I go preachin ;)
The things I am realizing I need to let more happiness in my life are:

1. The gospel. I feel so much like my daddy dearest saying that, but it really is the truth. The gospel hasn't always been a real part of my life. And it's very easy to try to separate the church from everything else in your life. But, the more you involve it into your life, the happier you can be. I believe at the core of the gospel is happiness.
2. Forgiveness. The longer you hold onto any sort of bitter feelings, the more you are depriving yourself of being happy. I think sometimes you just have to forgive people, even when they aren't sorry, and accept the apologies you never got. 
3. Stop striving for perfection. The perfectionist in me shudders typing that. But the fact of the matter is, I'm never going to be perfect. And neither are you. So there. As long as you are happy with what you are doing, go for it and be happy. Give yourself a break once in a while and learn to be ok with the less than perfect things in life.
4. Give people a chance! Almost every single person I've disliked at one point has ended up being my friend in the end. All too often we don't like people because we assume that they are one way when they really aren't. How can you dislike someone if you don't actually know them? You can't. If you take the change to get to know people, and understand where they're coming from, most likely you will learn to respect them and like them.
5. Compliment someone every day. Don't you love compliments? (admit it, you do) When I'm having a bad day, I try really hard to sincerely compliment someone. I don't think people do that nearly enough. Everybody deserves to be told how wonderful they are, and they deserve to hear it often!

Ok, I'll end my little rant.

It's cliche, and cheesy to the max, and preachy, but everyday I really try to embrace happiness, the more happiness I find. Despite rough events and tough times, it's amazing how much happiness I have found I can still let into my life.

:)