We're rambling now.

I think I was born stubborn. I think I came to this earth with an agenda of getting my way with an iron-will hellbent on getting things I wanted. You know, I was born early, right? I bet I pulled all that nonsense on my mother on purpose. Probably volunteered in the pre-mortal existence to have colic too. Just for spite.
I didn't let anyone teach me how to ride a bike. Nope, I wasn't going to be taking part in any bit of the perfect picture of parent and child learning the milestone of bike riding. None of that easy route for me! I learned how to ride a bike by myself. When I was good and ready. And, yeah, good and ready for me was later than the other kids my age. But the end result was I could ride a bike like everybody else. I bet I could still ride a bike, if I really wanted to. And had a bike. And a place to ride it.

I didn't let anyone pull my teeth either. When my baby teeth started getting loose and ready to be pulled out, I wouldn't let anyone touch them. Those nasty things stuck in my mouth by a thread far far longer than they should've because I didn't want anyone to pull them. They either fell out from sheer exhaustion from holding on, or I pulled them myself. Based on the rankings of my elementary class, I was always one of the last to loose teeth. -Although, really why small children are fascinated in discussing what teeth they have and don't have is beyond me-

Many, many jokes have been made, solely by me, that my parents had nothing to worry about where I was concerned for the first 2 years of high school because I was so odd looking. That's not a pity statement or fishing for compliments. I was just in every sense odd. I didn't get how to dress well or put myself together. Which, is pretty weird considering I have all sisters. But, regardless, I didn't figure out that whole deal until I was like a junior in high school.
And maybe it was the fact that I was super awkward looking, but I didn't jump on the dating train when everyone else did either. Even once I emerged from the weird stage, I was still determined not to be one of those high school girls that gave up everything to have a boyfriend.just because I didn't want to be like everyone else.

I've never noticed the recurring theme in my 20 years of living. I'm a late bloomer. Whether that's because of my own stubbornness or genuinely how things work out for me, I don't know. It's not important I suppose.

With that in mind, it shouldn't bother me that I'm 'behind' by traditional standards in my education. But it does. Deeply. I think it's because the primary label I've been subjected to my whole life is 'smart'. That's not a bad label by any means. But, it's a heavy one. It's a label that has driven my goals and direction with an intensity I don't have in any other area of my life. It's a label of high expectations and anticipated success. That's why it has hurt so profoundly to not reach those expectations.
I could not have been more thrilled, and elated to be accepted to SUU. The feeling of moving forward and getting back into a 'normal' environment is indescribable. The process of being accepted took so long and was so frustrating, because I had to defend my right to be there, to say I really was a good student despite the irregularities of my academic history.
It kind of hurts to move into new educational endeavors without the 'smart' label.I hate to say it, but there's a difference in how you're perceived with or without that label.  It's hard for me to accept that a good majority of the adults my age will graduate much faster than me.

It's humbling. Honest to goodness bring you to your knees humbling, to let go of that label and expectation, and plainly pride.
It offends my prideful sensibilities to know I have to be a late bloomer in this area of my life. Because, for once, it's not by my own choice. No matter how stubborn I hold on what I want, I can't change it or twist it to get my way.
I know, the end result will be just the same as everyone elses, even if it is much later.
I get that I can still have what I want, it's a matter of accepting I have to do it differently than others, and differently than what I would like.
And, yeah, I can see how this has given me new perspective and taught me a lot. You don't know how badly you want something, until you can't have it. I've heard so many of my friends complain how much they hate school. How they're not really taking it seriously. How it feels like a waste of time. And I would be lying if I said it didn't offend me. Because I couldn't imagine not absolutely appreciating the privilege of seeking higher education. And maybe, they couldn't imagine the anguish of wanting it, and not getting to have it.
I remember the perky little 17 senior Erin, with multicolored hair and a perpetual bad attitude-as is the way with teenagers- getting accepted into every school I applied for was nice, but not a big deal. It pains me to admit it, but I applied to schools with the absolute confidence I would be accepted. It would've floored me to be rejected. I didn't appreciate my acceptance letters. I expected them. Flat out I felt entitled to have my pick of universities. Those acceptance letters meant nothing to me.
And now, 20 year old Erin, with boring one colored hair, and only a slightly perpetual bad attitude, cried when a school I all but turned my nose up at before accepted me. Heck, I cried every step of the application process. All but sobbed when I had to write a letter to an academic board explaining and documenting my depression and anxiety. Not because I was sad-although there is an aspect of that- because I was so incredibly grateful to even get to apply at all.
Perhaps, that's why sometimes we are asked to wait for things we really want. Perhaps it's the pain of waiting that solidifies what we want, and gives us the maturity to truly appreciate it when we get it.
I think I can honestly say, I comprehend the concept of people moving at their own pace. There really isn't a right or wrong timeline to accomplish anything in life. Good things come to those who don't wait sometimes. Good things come to those who do wait sometimes. It's all relative. Eventually it balances out.